Boulder is Better – A Field Guide

Hey I don’t know if you guys were aware of this or not, but Boulder is way better than your city/town/village.

C’mon now don’t get pissed at me! I’m just the messenger. Have you ever been to Boulder? It’s painfully apparent that there is nothing wrong there. You’ll be hard pressed to find a piece of litter on the street, a person whose appearance is not supermodel-like, or a filthy smoker. I would say that probably the dirtiest thing in Boulder is the hippies. And they’re not real hippies. Allow me to define for you the difference between real hippies and Boulder hippies:

A) Real Hippies cannot shower, because they have no place to do so. Hence the overwhelming odor of patchouli emanating from them at all times. However please don’t be confused. Just because a hippie is wearing patchouli does not mean that they come from this category. Generally the patchoulli odor will be mixed with excessive amounts of BO as well, if this dirty hippy is for real.

B) Boulder Hippies shower, except for their hair. That they allow to mold and turn into dreadlocks. They are generally wearing Ipods, carrying backpacks, and sitting in front of you in your class at CU. Real hippies have neither the financial resources nor the motivation to sit in front of you in your class at CU. Note: Hippies from category A might be in possession of an Ipod due to an unwise allocation of what few financial resources they have at their disposal. Therefore the best indicator that you are dealing with a Boulder hippie is a combination of The CU factor, the dirt factor, and the fact that you are in Boulder. Boulder Hippies are rarely seen outside of their natural habitats.

Lest my Hippie type discernment skills be called into question, allow me to just state for the record that I have coexisted out of necessity with Hippies (read: my parents) long enough to understand their nuances.

But I digress.

Back to why Boulder is Better. Isn’t it one of the healthiest, smartest, bestest cities in the US? You’re damned straight it is. I mean have you seen the place?

To those of you who just read this post and are surprised by the assertions contained within let me assure you that we, as Coloradans, have also had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that Boulder is so much better than the rest of the state – indeed the country. It’s a learning process.

Should you ever find yourself in the vicinity of this Earthly Paradise please remember to abide by the following rules:

1. Don’t even think about moving to Boulder. You’re not good enough. If you were, you’d live there already.

2. Try not to drive through Boulder unless it’s absolutely necessary. Most people find it incredibly difficult to retain their self esteem in the face of such flawless, indisputable perfection. Plus they don’t want you there. Plus you might find yourself in violation of Rule #1 – thinking about living in Boulder.

3. Finally, should you find yourself in Boulder for any reason, understand and respect that the entire fucking WORLD is a sidewalk and that your vehicle (you filthy Earth hating heathen with no heart who burns fossil fuels for the sheer pleasure of destroying the atmosphere bit by bit) is essentially impeding bicyclist and pedestrian traffic. People who do not understand this rule will find that Boulder actually vanishes and can neither be seen nor entered again.

Hopefully you’ve found the information above useful. Most of all I hope that I have successfully communicated to you how inferior you and your crappy city/town/village are so that you will not be so overwhelmed Boulder’s glorious-ness should you ever be fortunate enough to lay your unworthy eyes upon it.


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